Purity Problems: It's not about the object lessons
The truth about licked cupcakes and other analogies
I read a book several years ago, bought it right off the shelves from an LDS church-owned publishing company: A Better Way to Teach Kids About Sex. Reviews praised it for rejecting harmful object lessons around sexuality that we Christians have eaten up since the 90s.
I desperately needed something else to offer my children other than,
“Hey. Don’t do anything sexual until you’re married. If you do then you’re a licked cupcake and second to a murderer and no decent person will want you anymore, not even God’s all-loving spirit will be able to stand your presence. But if you mess up, don’t leave the church, whatever you do! Because good news: this beautifully perfect, loving man was tortured until he bled from literally every pore in his body! AND nailed to a cross and left to die over 2000 years ago so that your bishop can tell you you’re a good person again. And then God will want you back. But you have to cry first. Really, really hard.”
Purity culture
What it looks like:
covered shoulders
purity rings
chastity cards
shiny pennies
chewed gum
licked cupcakes
An insane lack of sexuality education
and… shotgun weddings
What it sounds like:
Praising virginity or sexual purity as a measure of one’s virtue
If you wait until the wedding night you will have a happy marriage
Sex before marriage will destroy you but married sex is a symphony
Modest is hottest
Women are walking pornography
Men can’t control themselves
Women are spiritual, not sexual
Clitoris what??
If you touch someone sexually you are bonded to them forever
Having sex means giving a piece of yourself away
If you have sex before marriage you are damaged goods
Sorrowful, coerced confessions behind closed doors
What it feels like:
Well, chances are if you’ve ever sat through a Christian-centered chastity lesson as a teen or young adult, you know. Most people today can see why passing around chewed gum or a licked cupcake and telling youth this is what it will feel like if they have sex before marriage is a bad idea. I was spared the worst of the object lessons around chastity. But I had my share…
I sat in a religious class for young adults during my sophomore year of college. The teacher was incredibly nuanced and a favorite of mine to this day. But even he couldn’t make chastity healthy.
I watched as he revealed two wooden boards and explained that he had glued the boards together with a strong adhesive.
He then proceeded to pull them apart. It took effort.
After separating the two, he presented the wooden slabs to the class and asked us to describe what we saw: The adhesive was so strong that each had been stripped of its surface layers in the separation. Both bore fragments of the other.
“This is what happens when you have sexual relations outside of marriage,” he said. “Two souls bond in such a way that can never be repaired, only through the atonement of Jesus Christ.”
Oof, I ate it up. I never imagined that a lesson about “soul-bonding” would come back to haunt me and threaten my future marriage. But it did. Although, that’s a story for another time.
Now back to my search for reprieve. So there I sat as a new mother and fairly new wife. I finished the book that healed my object lesson woes but felt unsatisfied. Why?
BECAUSE THE OBJECT LESSONS WERE NEVER THE PROBLEM!
They were a symptom of the problem.
If you look up Better Ways to Teach Kids About Sex, you’ll find this description:
“With so many loud voices coming from worldly sources about what sex and relationships truly are, how can parents teach their children healthy and righteous perspectives about human sexuality?”
“Loud voices coming from worldly sources”…hmm. I find it fascinating that the authors of this book tear down harmful purity object lessons and somehow still find a way to blame our sexuality problems on “the world”. But they aren’t the only ones.
I’ve heard many Mormons gasp at the thought of using a visual like this to teach the church’s law of chastity. They can’t believe this was ever an acceptable method of teaching God’s view on sexuality. Shame on those teachers! Shame on those parents!
Well, at least it seems the horrors of “purity culture” have finally been recognized by the modern orthodox masses. I rarely hear of these lessons taking place anymore. But nobody (no true-blue Mormon body anyway) seems to be addressing the real issue here: That the object lessons were doing their job perfectly well- providing a visual aid for a very intentional message.
I’ve heard some say, “It’s not just Christianity,” that purity culture is everywhere. I agree. Listen to the song “Taste” by Sabrina Carpenter and you’ll hear purity culture loud and clear.
But however wide the breadth of purity problems in the larger society,
got it right when she said this about religion’s impact on our culture: “Assigning God’s will to human behavior is like pouring quick cement on its lasting power.”I’ve heard others say it’s not just the LDS church, that purity culture came first from a much larger body of saints. I agree with this as well. But for a church with living prophets who speak “the will of the Lord, … the mind of the Lord, … the word of the Lord”(D&C 68:4), we don’t just have a purity culture problem. We have a purity doctrine problem.
According to the LDS church, “Chastity is sexual purity. Those who are chaste are morally clean in their thoughts, words, and actions. Chastity means not having any sexual relations before marriage. It also means complete fidelity to husband or wife during marriage.” (source)
Here are a few messages from prophets and apostles (the men who speak our doctrine in real time) over the years.
“The doctrine of this Church is that sexual sin — the illicit sexual relations of men and women — stands, in its enormity, next to murder.” -First presidency message October 1942 (source)
“We hold that sexual sin is second only to the shedding of innocent blood in the category of personal crimes; and that the adulterer shall have no part in the exaltation of the blessed.” -Joseph Fielding Smith (source)
“Satan is trying to inflame these people to engage in sexual relations, outside holy wedlock, the sin which the Lord has said is next to murder in its seriousness.” -Harold B. Lee
“There is no repentance without suffering. Many people feel a little sorry and offer one or two little prayers to their Heavenly Father for forgiveness. But that is not enough when they have committed a serious sin. Breaking the law of chastity is one of the most serious sins next to murder.” -Spencer W. Kimball
“In the category of sins, the Book of Mormon places unchastity next to murder. As Alma states, “Now . . . I would that ye should repent and forsake your sins, and go no more after the lusts of your eyes, . . . for except ye do this ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God” (Alma 39:9). If we are to cleanse the inner vessel, we must forsake immorality and be clean.” -Ezra T. Benson (source)
“The Lord [has] placed [adultery] ahead of armed robbery, fraud, and kidnapping in the seriousness of sins.” -Bruce C. Hafen (source)
“In Mormon theology adultery is next to murder in gravity. Strict morality is taught, and the Church has used its means and facilities liberally to teach its youth the necessity for moral cleanliness and the blessings of happy marriage.” -Gordon B. Hinckley
“Violating the law of chastity is a grievous sin and a misuse of our physical tabernacles. To those who know and understand the plan of salvation, defiling the body is an act of rebellion (see Mosiah 2:36–37; D&C 64:34–35) and a denial of our true identity as sons and daughters of God. As we look beyond mortality and into eternity, it is easy to discern that the counterfeit companionship advocated by the adversary is temporary and empty.” -David A. Bednar (source)
“He needs men who are determined to keep themselves sexually pure—worthy men who can be called upon at a moment’s notice to give blessings with pure hearts, clean minds, and willing hands.”- Russel M. Nelson (source)
“One toying with the God-given—and satanically coveted—body of another, toys with the very soul of that individual… You cannot do so and not be burned. You cannot with impunity “crucify Christ afresh… If you persist in sharing part without the whole, in pursuing satisfaction devoid of symbolism, in giving parts and pieces and inflamed fragments only, you run the terrible risk of such spiritual, psychic damage that you may undermine both your physical intimacy and your wholehearted devotion to a truer, later love. You may come to that moment of real love, of total union, only to discover to your horror that what you should have saved has been spent, and—mark my words—only God’s grace can recover that piecemeal dissipation of your virtue.” -Jeffrey Holland “Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments”
And from the 2024 gospel topics manual under “Chastity”:
“In the world today, Satan has led many people to believe that sexual intimacy outside of marriage is acceptable. But in God’s sight, it is a serious sin. It is an abuse of the power He has given us to create life. The prophet Alma taught that sexual sins are more serious than any other sins except murder and denying the Holy Ghost.” (source)
The doctrine of the church (the gospel truth as decided by men in power who claim to speak for God) is that expressing sexual intimacy outside of marriage- no matter the status of the relationship- will mark you as unworthy, defiled, unclean, immoral, stained, spent, empty, a crucifier of Christ (I’m sorry, I thought we just decided “second to murder?”), and let’s be real, we lose a bit of desirability once we’ve crossed the armed robbery line.
It’s no wonder why the chewed gum analogies once hit home for devout parents and teachers of the faith. If anything, it seems they didn’t go far enough to convey the magnitude of spiritual desecration that occurs when two lovers kiss below the collar.
Any human could find it incredibly difficult to have that drilled into their soul repeatedly and then suddenly feel great when the dairy farmer down the street pronounces them clean. (Yes, my youth bishop was a dairy farmer and a very kind man despite his ecclesiastical role).
But what should we do about the chastity problem?!
No matter what you believe, the fact is that these rhetorics, if unsuccessful in stifling ones sexuality, drive people to more risky sexual behaviors, not less.
The National Library of Medicine reports, “Sexual shame has been found to be related to self-hostility, sexual and relational dysfunctions, body-shaming, aggression, hypersexuality and sexual addiction.”
And even if two people make it to the altar with a blank slate of sexual development, their “ordained” marital relations often suffer from these beliefs as well.
“Research by Amanda Ortiz and her team looked at married Christian women’s experiences with premarital and marital sex. They found that women often felt guilty during their first sexual experiences, whether before or after marriage. This suggests that sexual shame can stay with people, no matter their marital status. Also, these teachings often enforce gender roles that restrict how men and women express their sexual desires and experience sexual pleasure.” - Julliana Strati from her blog Council for Relationships
No one can deny the shame doctrine coming from the pulpit. It’s clear we need to change the “unchangeable”. But where to start?
Check out this new chastity proposal from Sheila Gregoire, author of The Great Sex Resue and She Deserves Better:
“The way we express our sexuality should honor, respect, and dignify ourselves and the people around us.”
This revamping of “chastity” refreshingly acknowledges human dignity as inherent, never to be taken away, never to be lost, never to be earned. What difference could it make if we embraced this?
What if we stopped trying to control people and tried giving them room to grow instead?
What if we nourished self-worth instead of drilling rules for worthiness?
What if we focused on honoring, respecting, and dignifying our congregations instead of spreading fear and shame around sexuality?
Above all, what if we embraced consent? Consent is not a free invitation to numb yourself into meaningless sexual escapades, unbeknownst to the critics. It means caring for your dignity and that of another person enough to give each other a full, honest, and safe choice: sober, conscious, and enthusiastic. Not rushed, not pressured, and certainly not forced, not guilted, not shamed, unafraid, unthreatened, free from unequal power dynamics, non-coerced, and non-persuaded.
By contrast, it seems we have given our consent over to God when it comes to our bodies, our intimate relationships, and our procreative choices, not to mention everything else.
So what does purity doctrine feel like? Studies show it feels like anxiety, depression, shame, judgment, marital disappointment, suicidal ideations, hypersexuality, and disconnect from one’s body.
For myself, it felt like my world was crumbling all around me. And I’m so glad it did because I found in the rubble something much more true and sustainable: My authentic self, my authentic husband, and “a faith I don’t have to heal from” (shout out to Wendy Snyder from “Fresh Start Family”). My husband and I have also found a truer connection, truer choice, and more freedom to adore each other.
I can’t say it better than this Instagram post @mindful-faith:
“The love Christ taught isn’t violated by people of the same gender expressing romantic affection or getting married. The love Christ taught isn’t violated by couples living together in genuine commitment without a marriage license. The love of Christ isn’t violated by a couple of teenagers… who take their mutual affection for each other further than they expected to. What violates the love of Christ is telling such people that they’re guilty of a great crime against God… What violates the love of Christ is piling shame onto people for normal expressions of affection… It was never about purity and body parts. It’s always been about how we treat each other.”
When it comes to our approach to the topic of sexuality, I hope we’re seeing some progress. But it takes a lot of work to dig out cement.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 yes yes yes. Thank you for shining a light on the actual problems and calling it what it really is: doctrinal problems!!!